Getting adolescents involved in family life
With today’s teens spending more and more hours occupied by technology, it can seem like there is no time left for simple family interactions. Following are some suggestions for encouraging adolescents to be active members of their family group.
ParentLine, a parenting hotline funded by the Department of Community Services and managed by CatholicCare (formerly CentaCare), reports that calls to the free counselling service have jumped by 26 per cent since late 2007, with more calls coming from parents of adolescents.
'We’ve been getting more calls about teenagers and young adults, particularly about parents managing their relationships with teens,' said counsellor, Nicole Michel. 'It’s about getting them to participate in family life'.
One of the simplest ways to salvage family time that involves teens is to make it part of the family’s routine to spend time together. For example:
- mealtimes - if the family eats together, at least on some occasions you can share what happened in your day, the latest news, their ideas and interests
- drive teens when they need to be dropped off - offering to drive gives you a good opportunity for time together
- bedtime – a visit to their bedroom for a casual chat can work for you both
- suggest a coffee or milkshake (probably at a cafe where their friends don’t usually go – teenagers can become embarrassed if their friends see that they are out with a parent)
Another way of building a strong family unit is to make teens aware of their role in the family. Assign household tasks to everyone in the family. As teens becomes older, they can take on new responsibilities that help them develop a sense of independence and self-reliance. An important benefit of teens helping with household responsibilities is that it teaches them the skills they will need when they have their own apartment or house to manage.
Parents often find that when implementing this approach it can be difficult to gain cooperation from young people. One suggestion is to avoid telling teens what they will be expected to do, and instead sit down for a family meeting to negotiate household tasks and responsibilities.
Research conducted by CEA (Consumer Electronics Association) has shown that almost 50 per cent of all teenagers are ‘obsessed’ with technology, and 80 per cent of teenagers can’t imagine living one day without their technology. It is no surprise then, that a quarter of teens said they spent less time with their friends because of the ease of keeping in touch through technology, including mobile phones and the Internet. The focus on less personal means of communication can make it difficult for young people to deal with the face-to-face demands of family life and communication with parents and siblings.
The temptation for parents can sometimes be to solve this problem by simply banning or limiting their child’s use of technology, but psychologist, Dr Kalman Heller, who specialises in parenting advice, recommends a different approach.
'I encourage parents to focus limited, but effective, energy in periods of uninterrupted one-on-one time with each child. That includes listening to your teen’s music and showing interest in it, watching in awe as your child breaks new records in his latest video game, or sitting with your child and watching her favourite TV show. Screen time can keep your children occupied in ways that are not harmful. It can also be another avenue, a contemporary one, for shared experience. And that is what really matters.'
The idea of sharing is an important one in the teen-parent relationship, with experts emphasising the benefits of staying interested in your teen’s life. Ways you can show an interest include:
- listening to some of their music and then talking about the words of songs you like best
- watching their sport or activities - don’t ‘coach’ them (unless you are the official coach), but be supportive
- watch their favourite TV shows with them sometimes – ask questions about some of the issues raised and how they feel about them
- try sharing something about your work or your interests as you would with an adult friend
- share something about your own adolescence and share a laugh with them about how things have changed
- take them to a movie that you would both like (or go to one of their’s) and ask what they liked and didn't like about it
- get to know their friends - know their names and what they're interested in and encourage them to bring them home and show interest in what they have to say
At the same time, experts remind parents that during adolescence, children need to be given some privacy – for example:
- give them some space of their own, ask their permission to enter their room
- avoid prying for information, except where it is important for you to know to make sure they are safe
- responsibility should increase with age - for example, 14-year-olds need monitoring but 18-year-olds should have more freedom and privacy
Raising teenagers is a complicated task and helping them toward maturity requires more from parents than just support and rule setting. Adolescence is an emotional time for both parents and teens. 'ParentLink', a community support initiative for parents supported by renowned child psychologist, Dr John Irvine, identifies three critical areas for parents of teens to work on:
- know how to really listen
- tolerate differences
- have a willingness to give opportunities to try again after mistakes
This is not to say that disagreements won’t still happen, however in order to make teens feel like respected members of their family unit, and young adults as opposed to children, 'ParentLink' recommends involving adolescents in the process of creating family rules. Sit down with your teen and discuss what the rules should be and the consequences for breaking those rules. This is likely to be a process of compromising on both sides to come up with rules that the whole family can agree on. Areas discussed could include:
- use of mobile phones, computers and Internet
- use of the family car and driving with others
- curfew and time spent with friends on the weekends
Parenting an adolescent can be a frustrating, as well as rewarding experience, and the tips provided here aim to offer some helpful hints for engaging with your teen, however they are by no means exhaustive. There are many avenues for additional advice and support, including CatholicCare, Diocese of Parramatta who offer a range of family support services. Recently they ran a four session course in Blacktown for parents of adolescents, titled 'Surviving Your Adolescents'. The course was presented by psychologist, Shiraz Patel and covered topics such as 'how to hold the difficult conversations more successfully' and 'understanding adolescence'. Contact CatholicCare for information on upcoming programs or other support available.
In addition, CatholicCare manages a 24-hour parenting helpline for parents of children in NSW aged 0-18 years. Call 1300 1300 52 to speak with experienced counsellors about any parenting problem or issue, and to get assistance with support and information. Counsellors offer information on different options that are open to you in your situation, send you written material and link you up with local services if you wish.
Catholic schools in the Diocese of Parramatta also see supporting parents as an important part of their mission, and as such many schools engage the services of experts in the field of parenting and psychology for parent information evenings, talks and workshops. These are advertised in school newsletters on school websites throughout the year.
Sources:
'Parenting help line runs hot', Angela Saurine, The Daily Telegraph, Jan 18 2009
Positive Parenting of Teens – University of Minnesota Extension Service
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