The value of friendship

Tips for helping your child or teen form positive relationships.

The recent World Youth Day was a wonderful example of how common beliefs and values can build the bridges of friendship, with thousands of young people from across the globe brought together in celebration. Reports from pilgrims in the Diocese of Parramatta have been overwhelmingly positive and focused on the great friendships that were formed throughout the event.

Connecting with your local parish and Catholic school community offers a great way to expose your child to positive support networks and to instil in them an understanding of your values, and to encourage them to think about their own values and belief system.

Perhaps one of the greatest sources of concern for parents is the type of friendships their child forms. Friends can influence many areas of a child or adolescent’s life – from how they behave, to their interests, and even how they feel about themselves and others. Many parents fear what will happen if their child forms the ‘wrong’ kind of friendship. But what makes a friendship ‘wrong’ and just how much influence can a parent have on this part of their child’s development?

Most professionals in the field of childhood and adolescent behaviour and psychology seem to agree that banning your child from spending time with a friend you don’t approve of, does not achieve the desired result.

“This is an extreme measure and taking it means you run the risk of it back-firing; it could make the friend even more attractive,” warns Nina Mounts, an Assistant Professor of Psychology at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb.

It is also worth considering what influence your own child is having on their friend/s – it is possible for peer pressure to work in a positive way, and perhaps your child’s friendship can benefit another who may have a less stable family support network, or who has found themself in a difficult situation.

Mounts stresses the importance of open communication between parents and their children, and points out that even as teens, research shows that children still want and need their parents’ help.

“Parents can be a counsellor in friendships. They can help talk to their kids about how they might work through and maintain friendships and the consequences of hanging around certain people,” says Mounts.

There are some simple ways you can encourage your child to make good decisions when it comes to dealing with friendship, these include:

• Get to know your child's friends. A good way to learn about your child's friends is to drive them to events — talking with them in the car can reveal a lot. You can also welcome your child's friends into your home. Make it a place with food and a comfortable atmosphere. Having your child's friends at your home can provide you with peace of mind and allow you to set the rules, as well as help you to gain a better understanding of what they talk about and what their concerns are.

• Get to know the parents of your child's friends. You don't have to be close friends, but it helps to know if other parents' attitudes and approaches to parenting are similar to yours.

• Provide your child with some unstructured time in a safe place to hang around with friends. Hobbies and interests are important, but allowing your child some unstructured time with friends in a safe place lets them share ideas and develop important social skills.

• Talk with your child about friends, about friendship and about making choices. Talk about how to be a good friend and about how all friendships have their ups and downs. It is more than likely that you had a friend your own parents didn’t approve of, and sharing this experience with your child can help open honest discussion.

• Teach your child how to get out of a bad situation. Talk with your child about dangerous or inappropriate situations that might arise and about possible ways to handle them. For example, ask them how they would handle a suggestion from a friend to truant and head to the skate park.

• Monitor friendships to help your child avoid risky and unhealthy behaviour. Children and young adolescents need supervision, including during the important after-school hours. Get to know who your child's friends are and what they do when they get together.

• Model good friendships. The example of friendship you provide has a bigger impact on your child's friendships than any lecture. Children who see their parents treat each other and their friends with kindness and respect will learn the value of good friendships.

This is particularly important, as parents are the primary educators of their children. Values are learnt from an early age at home, and as child psychologist, Cameron Barr, says parents shouldn’t underestimate the powerful influence they have through modelling positive behaviour.

“Surrounding yourself and your family with others who espouse the same beliefs and values will help to reinforce your message. By belonging to a community of people who have similar beliefs, it increases the chances of your child making friends with other children and thus sharing in the same belief system,” says Barr.

Friendships form a vital part of every person’s life and establishing their own friendships is an important developmental step for every child and adolescent. Through friendships we learn social skills, we learn to understand and consider the needs and expectations of others, and we learn how to act accordingly. The gift of friendship is a valuable one, and one that with support and guidance, your child will discover for themself.

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