Helping children deal with rejection
Everyone has to deal with rejection and disappointment throughout their life. Whether it is being dropped from a sports team, overlooked for a new job or excluded by colleagues or peers, children and adults have to learn to overcome rejection so their confidence and self-esteem is not damaged.
Ian Jordan is the principal of the newest primary school in the Parramatta Diocese, John XXIII at Stanhope Gardens. Ian said a major focus of the new school community is to help children develop and maintain strong self-esteem.
Here Ian gives us some of his thoughts on helping nurture children’s confidence through the tough times.
When we gathered at the start of the year and reflected on the aspirations we had for our children and this new school – almost all (if not all) groups came up with protecting the self esteem of our children. This is a hugely important issue for children – it ‘cuts deep’ when our children are rejected.
However, one of the keys to functioning socially and emotionally is the ability to deal with disappointment and rejection. Most children experience some type of rejection from their peers throughout childhood. One study found that even the so called ‘popular children’ were rejected about one quarter of the time when at school. Most children recover from such rejection. They move on and form constructive, worthwhile relationships, but some children need help. They often take rejection personally and blame themselves. As a parent it is useful to challenge children’s unhelpful thinking and encourage them to look for new friendship opportunities.
Parents can help children understand that rejection may happen for any number of reasons that are unrelated to them.
In the course of a school day children will meet with a number of challenges and even setbacks. They may struggle with some schoolwork. They may not do well in specific classroom tasks and they may not be picked for a game they wanted to play.
Children grow stronger when they overcome their difficulties. The challenge for parents is to build and maintain children’s confidence to help them get through the rough times. Of course, we will do everything we can at school to help build this capacity.
One way to help children deal with rejection and disappointment is to talk through a problem or difficulty recognising and accepting their feelings. Talk about various scenarios around the incident, discussing possible outcomes. The age of the child will determine the amount of detail. Keep things simple and avoid burdening a younger child with concepts he or she doesn’t understand.
Your attitude as a parent can make a huge difference to how a child reacts. If you see rejection or disappointments as problems then your child may adopt the same view. See them as challenges and your child will, in all likelihood, adopt your view and deal with disappointments more easily. After all, confidence will nurture hope and foster an optimistic future!
Ian Jordan - Principal
John XXIII Catholic Primary School,
Stanhope Gardens
What is your child like?
Does he or she… - Bounce back when things go wrong?
Yes: 2 No: 0 - Rationalise disappointment and rejection rather than take it personally?
Yes: 2 No: 0 - Take a positive view when challenges come their way? Yes: 2 No: 0
- Pat themselves on the back when they do something well?
Yes: 2 No: 0 - Let little things spill over and spoil other parts of their life?
Yes: 0 No: 2
Score:
9-10 A resilient child. They bounce back when things don’t go their way
6-8 A hardy soul
0-4 Probably too hard on themselves. Needs some help to lighten the load.
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