Is being shy making your child miserable?

Tips for coping with shyness 

Shyness can be a source of concern for some parents. While shyness is most commonly associated with young children, it can also affect teens as they find themselves taking part in new and more demanding social interactions. For both young children and teenagers, there are ways parents can help them better adapt to social situations. 

While the reasons for shyness may be hard to pin down, the behaviour is clear.  

How can you tell if your child is shy? 

Here are some common indicators of shyness: 

• reluctance to speak in public – a shy child will rarely share their opinions and beliefs, avoid raising a hand to answer questions in class and during open discussions will remain quiet
• gaze aversion – looking at the ground when talking to someone, avoiding eye contact
• social withdrawal – shy children rarely initiate social interactions such as phone calls or invitations
• social avoidance – speaking quietly, becoming anxious when a social event like a birthday party approaches
• reluctance to ask questions – socially anxious children often miss out on learning opportunities
• physical symptoms: blushing, cold sweat in palms, fidgeting, speech impediments and nausea

 It is important to note that there are some positives resulting from shy behaviour, the School of Psychological Science at La Trobe University has identified the following trends in shy children: 

• doing well at school due to their ability to avoid distractions and focus
• being cooperative and well-behaved
• listening attentively to others

However, the reason shyness can cause concern is that it can prevent some children reaching their potential. La Trobe University has also noted some common complications of shyness: 

• reduced opportunities to develop social skills
• fewer friends
• reduced participation in fun and rewarding activities that require social interaction such as dance, sport, drama or music
• reduced self-esteem and increased feelings of loneliness
• high anxiety levels

Parents are in the best position to help their children overcome shyness. Following are some suggestions for parents and carers of shy children. 

• show empathy and offer support
• don’t call your child shy, or allow others to label them this way
• encourage your child to talk about their reasons for shyness
• don’t criticise or mock your child when they are shy
• display outgoing behaviour yourself, give your child a confident role model
• don’t be pushy or try to force social interaction
• try goal-setting – aim for small steps and praise their ongoing progress such as saying hello to someone new

Dr John Malouff, a senior lecturer in Psychology at Armidale’s University of New England, states that one of the most effective strategies parents of shy children can employ is sharing your own experiences of being shy. 

‘Parents can help counter shyness by disclosing the times when they acted shy themselves. Because children often view parents as powerful they will tend to feel better about their own shy behaviour. If parents then talk about how they became more outgoing, the children will have a powerful model to follow,’ says Dr Malouff.

Teachers are also influential in a child’s life and how they deal with a shy child is very important in that child’s development.  

Elizabeth Rowe, Team Leader Student Services, CEO Parramatta and experienced psychologist, points out that, ‘next to parents, teachers have the greatest impact on the development of coping behaviour in children and young people. Teachers need to be aware that sometimes quiet and compliant students may be in need of significant support from their teachers to help them develop confidence in their own capacity to cope.’

There are many ways in which a teacher can ensure that a shy child feels a valuable part of the class including: 

• seating them next to someone who will offer support
• giving them responsibility, a task that can be done without drawing too much attention, such as collecting homework or handing out worksheets
• setting homework that will help them learn skills to make them more confident such as reading aloud
• celebrating and rewarding  “brave” behaviour
• helping children identify supportive peers
• talk to the class about personal differences and how it takes lots of different people to make up our world

The pastoral care policies of Catholic schools take into account the differences between students and their emotional wellbeing. The education of the whole person is the focus of a Catholic education and if parents have concerns about the educational or emotional needs of a shy child, they are encouraged to speak, in the first instance, with their child’s teachers. Many of our Catholic schools offer preventative programs suitable for all students to help them cope well with the concerns that are part of everyone’s life. One such program is the FRIENDS Program where students learn a variety of coping skills for life.  

Students experiencing significant difficulties with anxiety can be referred to the school counsellor who is able to provide individual and group programs to assist students and their families in managing anxiety effectively. One particularly useful program run by school counsellors is Cool Kids. This program, developed by Macquarie University has been proven to be effective in reducing anxiety level in children and young people.  

In some cases shyness is so severely debilitating it is necessary to consider professional help.  

Where to get help: 

• your family doctor for a referral to a specialist service
• psychologist
• Shyness and Social Anxiety Treatment Australia visit: www.socialanxietyassist.com.au
• Macquarie University Anxiety Research Unit Tel 02 9850 8711
• www.reachout.com.au – informative website with a community forum
• Parent Line Tel 1300 30 1300
• Kids Help Line 1800 551 800

Although some children outgrow shyness, others remain shy throughout their whole lives. The important thing is to offer children as many coping mechanisms as possible to help them learn to deal with it better. 

« Return to student support article topic